Communications Technique

Thanks to Litep who send me this article.

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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:

We recently discussed the major indicators that a relation-
ship will not succeed long-term: stonewalling during argu-
ments, criticism, defensiveness, anger, resentment, etc.
These warning signs are not inevitabilities, though. The
good thing is that strong communication between partners can
greatly help combat these negative aspects.

Affective communication does not have to be an enigma. As we
will discuss in our communication series, positive outcomes
are often about the presentation: the order of the words you
choose, the TONE, and more. Keep in mind that many of the
techniques we will review can be applied to different types
of relationships: your romantic partner, child/parent
relationships, friends, etc. After our alarming anger article
a couple weeks ago, many of you asked that I print infor-
mation on how to affectively communicate. Just ask and you
shall receive! I have divided the communication series into
three parts, but we can adjust if necessary.


Today's Topic: Communication Techniques Part I

This might sound simplistic, but the first thing you need to
ask yourself is whether you are genuinely interested in your
partner. Also, do you sincerely WANT to know the details of
their day? Do you really want the relationship to succeed?
You both need to answer yes to those questions in order for
a successful, happy union. One person cannot maintain a
relationship. That being said, if a couple is genuinely
interested in one another, asks questions, is mutually
supportive, laughs together, etc., they have an increased
chance of long-term happiness. The question is how to achieve
a positive balance.

Affective communication is a delicate balance between properly
listening to your partner and knowing how to express yourself.
One of the most important ways a person can feel loved is by
being heard. But there are important components to knowing
HOW listen and hearing the right messages. For instance,
when a partner vents about a day or shares a problem, many
of us immediately want to solve said problem. But we need to
take ourselves out of the equation. Perhaps your partner
doesn't NEED you to solve an issue; may he/she just wants
to physcially release the problem and know you are listening.

In this case, we don't need to provide solutions; we just
need to be a sounding board. In fact, when we listen we are
actually striving to validate the person's feelings, not
necessarily solve a problem. Validate that what they are
feeling is okay; after all, we can't control our feelings,
but we can control how we express them. Thus, sometimes the
healing is in the act of being heard. Enter "reflective
listening", in which we reflect back to our partner what we
have heard .

Like I mentioned before, presentation is everything. That
means your body language needs to be in check. You must make
positive eye contact (not a blank stare, you must look alert),
bend down if the situation calls for it, mirror your partner's
body language, etc. Your body language needs to reflect that
you are fully engaged in the conversation - that means no
arms crossed or bored expressions!

Specifically listen for words that indicate how your partner
is feeling and what caused it. You want to hear as specific-
ally as possible so you can get the best possible under-
standing of the situation. But also note your partner's body
language as well. Not all people are comfortable verbally
expressing their feelings, which is why you also need to
"listen" to their body language. Note if your partner is
especially quiet, eyes are downcast, they are distracted,
etc. To hear feeling words and notice body language, you
must, again, be fully engaged. You will miss important
words or gestures if you are constantly distracted by a
chore, mentally reviewing your day, etc. I know our days
are split into a thousand different tasks, but this needs to
be a very high priority.

Now you need to "reflect" back to your partner what you have
heard. This lets your partner know you are listening and
allows them to correct an interpretation, if necessary. Even
if you hear something in a different way, your partner knows
you are genuinely concerned and making an effort. To "reflect,"
identify your partner's feeling, ie sadness, frustration,
anger, etc. Then identify WHY they are feeling this way and
then RELFECT it. For instance, "You are hurt because I went
out with my friends without considering our schedule."

In this situation, you are identifying the feeling (hurt)
followed by the reason for the situation (because you did
not consult him/her). Remember, feeling, then cause. Feeling,
then because. Try to be as exact as you can. This might seem
awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will
become. Your new techniques might catch your partner off
guard, so be patient if he/she doesn't respond exactly how
you would have expected. Just as you are learning a new skill,
so are they.

Listening and affectively expressing ourselves go hand-in-hand
and create a cycle. Next we will address how to affectively
express our feelings. A positive communication cycle can
create a harmonious atmosphere and a well of goodwill. The
more relationship goodwill you have, the more smoothly you
will be able to handle arguments. So what do you think of
reflective listening? Give it a try and let me know how it
goes for you! As always, I remain...